He was an anti-Semite and enjoyed reciting gruesome tales from the front. He was, in fact, a bogeyman.Comforting to know that our evil figures continue to have no redeeming features. If there was a lesson to learn, though, I think it was this: don’t let your German son meet his British cousins. The First World War, like the Bee Gees, is sexy again, and the programmes commemorating the 80th anniversary of Armistice Day may well garner more viewers than the subject has attracted since the Sixties made war unfashionable. But, though it was cleverly made and included just enough potted history to stay this side of scandal, it sometimes seemed that the entire film had been based on propaganda efforts of an earlier era.Wilhelm II had, apparently, a love-hate relationship with England that was heavily related to his conflicted feelings for his marginally British mother. Chief joy for me, though, was the inadvertent sight of Boyzone’s Ronan Keating straining to hold the tune of “Words” while that old pro, Barry Gibb, who had made way for his contribution, strained to keep a straight face.Running concurrently, The Real Kaiser Bill (Saturday, C4), was equally disturbing. And Rory Underwood asked if they had had any adventures on tour Blimey.

And what do you think of the Pinochet debacle, Maurice? Bill Wyman provided some light relief by asking if the Andrews Sisters had influenced them in any way, and Caroline Ahearne looked charmingly sour throughout. I’m not sure, though, whether singing live is their best bet. No-one, surely, has ever thought that those falsettos were achieved with anything less than a full tank of helium, and the sight of the three wrinkled Gibbs squeaking “You Should be Dancing” was enough to make one a bit queasy.
And is it me, or are the questions becoming increasingly unchallenging? Ian Wright asked a question so bland I can’t remember it even though I rewound it three times. Soap stars aside, the evening was the usual combination of scripted wit and toadying. If it hadn’t been for that pesky A Family Rescue…Programme Total (millions)1 Jerry Springer (Sun) 0.432 Jerry Springer (Thu) 0.373 Jerry Springer (Sun) 0.324 Jerry Springer (Sat) 0.305 Jerry Springer (Mon) 0.276 Jerry Springer (Tue) 0.267 Jerry Springer (Wed) 0.238 Jerry Springer (Sat) 0.239 A Family Rescue 0.1810 Jerry Springer (Fri) 0.16.

The Bee Gees, who have had more reincarnations over the past 30 years than Shirley MacLaine has in a millennium, are on the up again, and the ranks of bouncing Ulrikas were whooping to prove it. THE PLEASURE of LWT’s “Audience with” strand lies less in the spotlighted celeb, than in spotting which B-listers are going to get their faces on screen. An Audience with the Bee Gees (Saturday) was wall-to-wall soap stars. Bianca from EastEnders danced round her handbag, accompanied by Walford neighbours Ricky and Mark, Fiona and Judy from Coronation Street, and Jackie Dixon out of Brookie. SKY 1

Sky 1 continues its sterling promotion of the finest that home-grown television has to offer.

Doh!
Programme Total (millions)1 The Simpsons (Sun 1830) 1.002 The Simpsons (Fri 1900) 0.883 Deep Space Nine 0.794 The Simpsons (Mon 1900) 0.755 The Simpsons (Sun 1800) 0.726 Friends (Thu 2130) 0.657 The Simpsons (Wed 1900) 0.637 The Simpsons (Fri 1930) 0.638 The Simpsons (Tue 1900) 0.6210 The Simpsons (Tue 1930) 0.59LIVINGWhile over on Living, a pattern seems to be emerging. Most of the singing and backing was live, and they didn’t try any of that “Here’s a little something from the new album” nonsense It was hits all the way. But it was like being given a lift by someone with a top-of-the-range stereo and terrible taste.As we near the finale we all have to stand up, clap our hands over our heads and boogie. Ulrika boogies, Tara boogies, David Ginola boogies, Frank Bruno boogies, and the tireless superstars power through another helium hit “You should be dan-cing,” they squeak Only I’m not.. There is a lot of this kind of thing.The double entendre is actually more excruciating than the songs.

Unless of course you like the Bee Gees, who have, after all, given Pleasure to Millions The production was slick and they performed well. Everyone is rewarded with a name-check and a smarmy little compliment: “We’re all big fans of yours.” Either the Gibb brothers make a superhuman effort to keep up with British soaps and gameshows or the producer is frantically muttering into their earpieces: “Her name’s Ryvita, she’s in breakfast TV.” Riveting stuff.”What drives you now?’”It’s corny but we love music.” Belinda Carlisle probes away: “Where do you get the inspiration for your songs?” “For me it comes in the middle of the night,” says Barry. They’re not questions at all, really, just a chance for a close-up. They are clearly efficient writers of pop songs, but raconteurs they ain’t.After a few drinks the crowd is herded into the studio and cheers obligingly as our three heroes stride in A very young hack at my side asks me which is which.