For them a really big Major victory would be the safe outcome. At Prime Minister’s Questions on Thursday he showed the party what he can do when he lets himself go. He may have been demob happy; but his tolerant and humorous treatment of Redwood shows his instinct for coalition politics remains as acute as ever. Would it be Hezza’s last huzza, or the Portillo putsch?For traditional Conservatives, there should be no choice here at all They fear Portillo even more than they want Heseltine. In personal terms, this means that right-wingers are perplexed as to whether trying to seize the party now is do-able.

For the left and the uncommitted, the question is whether the chance of getting Heseltine, the still-glorious Joan Collins of contemporary Conservatism, is worth the risk of a takeover by the right. It is about the risks of the party falling from power, and even splitting. The choice for Conservative MPs is not simply Major or Redwood. It is simply this: “Members shall at all times remember that the purpose of the Conservative Party is to hold office, under any leader and under all circumstances. Members overawed by the heroic simplicity of this First Purpose are hereby invited to join the Liberal Party or similar.”
The question now is not whether the First Purpose is still first. “Members shall on no account refer to one another as Bunnyrabbit” – long gone. But the party’s First Purpose has so far remained undefaced and unaltered, and it has nothing to do with taxation, parliamentary sovereignty or personal comportment.

You might as well talk about the struggle for the soul of a Vauxhall Corsa Or the soul of the National Westminster Bank Or of Rupert Murdoch. No, what the Tory party has is something more down- to-earth and useful It has a First Purpose. The ancient rulebook of British Conservativism contains many crossings- out and splashes of Tipp-Ex “Members shall wear cavalry twills while leisured” – gone. “Members shall not take their own political views too seriously” – almost illegible now, and defaced with the biro’d word “rubbish” in the handwriting of Bill Cash. As, in a hundred dappled back gardens and around innumerable cluttered breakfast tables, the Conservative Party wrestles with its dilemma this weekend, there should be no silly stuff about “the struggle for the soul of the party”.

But then, as Redwoodians might say, that’s the Europeans for you.. Men and women get their kicks in surprising ways, but is this really a matter of regret or scandal? For those who missed it, the best story of the week came from Osnabruck zoo. Two male storks have set up nest together and have managed to hatch a discarded penguin egg Offspring and fathers are doing fine, apparently. Relationships for life – especially those involving children – need to be founded on negotiation and empathy, not just on fidelity and romance.

Some will incorporate liaisons, others will demand sticking to the straight and narrow.Lets stop worrying about deviations, too. Sex is not always about the healthy, bouncing backs and bottoms of the Joy videos. If one partner is, say, significantly more libidinous than the other, is that person to be denied an outlet for 30 or 40 years?Surely the problem here is not the sex, but the lying and the public embarrassment, whether in front of the media or just one’s own friends The answer is not suppression, but honesty. It goes like this: he is abroad on business and staying in a nice hotel After phoning you and the kids he goes down to the bar. A few moments later a very sexy woman starts chatting him up. She is clearly attracted to him and suggests a night-cap in her room – no strings attached Now fix him with gimlet eye – does he go? Of course he does. Men are an easy lay.This is not an excuse for male misbehaviour – it is a plea for realism.